


"Aku Cinta Kamu"

by gracie_the_shadow_writer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Magnus' POV, Romance, They just love each other a lot, features Magnus' inner thoughts on his feelings for Alec, will add tags as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-05-28 18:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15054890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracie_the_shadow_writer/pseuds/gracie_the_shadow_writer
Summary: He thought again about what he said to Alec earlier in the night:"For over a century, I closed myself off from from feeling anything for anyone; man or woman. You’ve unlocked something in me."He meant it, too. First it was when Alec saved him from that Circle member in Pandemonium, then it was tonight when he helped Magnus heal Luke without hesitation. All he knew was that this tall, dark, and handsome Shadowhunter had awoken these feelings inside of him that he hadn't felt in centuries, and he would be lying if he said that it didn't terrify him a bit.Or: The five times Magnus knew that he loved Alec, and the one time he told him.





	1. Time 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So the shows cancelation sucked a lot of creativity and motivation right out of me, so I was kind of in a writing slump for a while. But I had to pull myself out of it because I, like everyone else, don't want our show to be canceled! 
> 
> So this was an idea I came up with while 3a was happening, and I finally got myself to do it. I hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> #SaveShadowhunters

_You’ve unlocked something in me._

Those words echoed through Magnus’ mind as he looked down at the sleeping Shadowhunter currently on his couch.

Today had been quite the eventful day for him; it nearly took all of his magic to heal Luke Garroway, or Lucian as he was once called, someone who he hadn't seen in over twenty years. Not since the days of The Circle. Another thing is that he probably would have passed out cold in the middle of it if Alexander Lightwood, the son of Maryse Lightwood of all people, hadn't come to his aid. There are very few Shadowhunters Magnus has met in his life that would've done something like that for a Downworlder, so he was shocked to see that it was a Lightwood, a family who had been everything but kind to his people through the centuries. Not to mention he was gorgeous as hell.

Magnus looked down at Alexander, Alec, on the couch. He thought about waking him up so he could get back to the Institute, but looking at how at peace he looked while asleep, and considering the day he must have had, he couldn't bring himself to.

He thought again about what he said to Alec earlier in the night:

_For over a century, I closed myself off from from feeling anything for anyone; man or woman. You’ve unlocked something in me._

He meant it, too. First it was when Alec saved him from that Circle member in Pandemonium, then it was tonight when he helped Magnus heal Luke without hesitation. All he knew was that this tall, dark, and handsome Shadowhunter had awoken these feelings inside of him that he hadn't felt in centuries, and he would be lying if he said that it didn't terrify him a bit. He couldn't help it, but when he fell for someone, he fell for them hard and deep, and it always ended in him getting his heart broken in one way or another. Was he even ready to pursue someone new yet? A Shadowhunter, even?

The sound of a painful moan pulled Magnus from his thoughts, and he remembered that Luke was still here, healing in his bed. He rushed to his bedroom, and tended to Luke’s wounds. Magic flowed freely through his hands, and hovered over Luke’s body, causing him to fall asleep peacefully.

When he got back to the living room, he noticed that Alec was still sleeping soundly, and that he had adjusted himself into a more comfortable position in his sleep. He noticed the various empty martini glasses across the coffee table, and figured he better clean up. Earlier in the night, Magnus had offered a few more rounds of drinks after their first ones, and he was shocked that Alec accepted. He was shocked because he could tell from the moment they first spoke that Alec was hiding his true self away, and he knew from experience that Shadowhunters were definitely the least accepting creatures in the Shadow World; even of their own kind.

Magnus made them drink after drink, and they talked for what felt like hours. What they talked about, Magnus couldn't say. He often got delirious from little sleep with the added alcohol. Alec also got a little tipsy, so he may not even remember either. Around 1:30 am is when Alec started to nod off, and now, almost nearing 2:00 am, Magnus is thinking that he should do the same, the alcohol in his system still making his mind a bit fuzzy.

Snapping his fingers, Magnus conjures two blankets; one for him and one for Alec. He unfolds one of the blankets, and gently drapes it across Alec’s body. He took one more quick look at Alec’s soft, sleeping face. He reached his hand out to brush a few strands of hair off of his forehead, and smiled. Maybe this Shadowhunter will be different from the others, he thought to himself as he laid on the couch opposite Alec, and pulled the second blanket over himself, unable to stay awake much longer. He snapped his fingers to turn off the lights, and he fell asleep to thoughts of how he could possibly get a date with this gorgeous man.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus woke up early the next morning, his back stiff from sleeping on the couch the whole night. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes, then looks up to see Alec still asleep on the couch across from him. To be completely honest, he was surprised. He thought he would have left before the sun rose. That had to be a good sign, right? So he got up to go to the kitchen, and decided to make some coffee for him and Alec.

He came back to the living room to see Alec finally starting to wake up. He brings the tray of coffee over to the coffee table, and sets it down in front of Alec.

“Cream or sugar?” He asked. Alec sat up then, looking very confused.

“Did I fall asleep?” Alec mumbled out, rubbing his hand across his forehead as if he had a headache. _Probably as a result of the drinks he had last night_ , Magnus thought.

“We both did,” Magnus replied. He sat down on the couch next to Alec, who immediately stood up when he did. “On separate couches, never fear,” he said, exasperated. This was not going to be easy.

“I should never have taken you up on your offer for drinks,” Alec said, pulling on his leather jacket.

Well.

“In hindsight, liquor might have been a bad idea after being drained of all my magic to heal your friend Luke.” Remind him to never do that again. Magic deprivation and alcohol do not mix.

“Not my friend, he's Clary Fairchild’s. I've only known her five days, and she's already more trouble than she's worth.”

“You're more than just a pretty face, aren't you?” Magnus said, not completely meaning to say that outloud.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Alec asked, looking at Magnus as if he'd personally offended him. Anger was not a good look on him.

“You shared your strength with me to help your friend,” Magnus said. “It's rare to find a Shadowhunter with such a… open heart.” If more Shadowhunters were like Alec, the world would be a much better place.

Alec looked thoughtful for a moment. “I trust you. I don't know why, but I do.” Magnus would be lying if he said that those few words didn't make his heart race. Alec trusted him after only knowing him for two days? That's not somethin he thought he’d hear. “What time is it? I have to get back to the Institute,” Alec said.

“Stay for breakfast!” Magnus blurted out. He had to thank him properly for last night. “I conjure up a mean Belgian waffle,” he said cheerfully.

“No,” Alec said bluntly. Magnus felt his heart sink. “And if you let anyone know I slept here last night…” He said warningly.

“Relax. My reputation is on the line just as much as yours. I lose all my credibility if my people found out I let a _Shadowhunter_ spend the night,” Magnus spat out, admittedly a little hurt.

“Then why did you let me sleep here?” Alec asked.

“Trust makes you do strange things,” he replied. As crazy as it sounds, he did trust him. He trusted him with his life. What he did last night only confirmed for him that he could. “Must be something in the air,” he said, sniffing the air jokingly.

Alec’s face formed the beginnings of a smile, and Magnus couldn't help but smile back. Then, as if suddenly remembering where he was, Alec turned on his heel, and rushed out of the apartment.

As soon as Alec left, Magnus sat back down on the couch, reeling the events of the last twenty-four hours through his mind. Maybe he was ready to settle down again for a new relationship.

Alec truly did unlock something in him.


	2. Time 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during episode 2x07.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's chapter 2! I hope you like it! <3
> 
> Also remember to #SaveShadowhunters! We're getting closer, I can feel it.

Magnus felt the familiar tug in his stomach that traveling by portal brings as he walked through the swirling vortex, and stepped into his apartment, Alec right next to him rambling adorably about fatty tuna. They had just gotten back from their weekend of traveling to Prague and Tokyo, an brought many souvenirs and treasures back with them.

“Well, how would they feel?” Alec said once they were safely in Magnus’ apartment, continuing his ramblings.

“You better not tell that to the sushi chef,” Magnus replied, holding back a smile. As silly as the situation was, watching Alec just be himself was such a refreshing thing. He tried to be a leader and protector to his fellow Shadowhunters all the time, and he barely had enough time to himself to just breathe.

They continued their silly conversation as they un-packed all the things they brought back with them. Magnus pulled a small statue out of one of his shopping bags he got from Tokyo, and placed it on an end table.

Alec turned around then, and he held a small gift bag with a nervous look on his face. Magnus was going to ask him if he was okay, but he spoke before he could.

“Got you something,” Alec said, as he held the gift bag out to him.

“Me?” Magnus replied, too stunned to say much else. _Alec bought me a gift?_ He thought to himself. He felt his heart beat start to pick up speed at the very thought.

“Yes, you,” Alec said, a small smile formed on his lips. The look on his face suggested he said something like, “of course, you, you bone-head!”

Magnus gently took the bag from Alec, and just stared at it, still dumbstruck. What did Magnus do to deserve such kindness? Him and Alec had only been dating for two short weeks, and Alec was already in the gift buying stage. He didn't know what to think of this. After all, he had heard that Shadowhunters tended to move rather quickly with their relationships, so it wouldn't be any different with Alec, he thought.

“Open it!” Alec exclaimed, jostling Magnus out of his stupor, and back to the task at hand.

Magnus pushed aside the tissue paper in the bag, and reached in to find a red and gold trimmed omamori charm; one of the same ones Magnus had his eyes on in that temple in Tokyo, and Alec must have noticed. He didn’t know what to say. This omamori was simply beautiful, and they meant a lot when given to you by someone you're in a relationship with. He felt his face heat up slightly.

“It’s supposed to bring you luck and protection,” Alec said, trailing his hand down Magnus’ arm.

Of course.

This omamori symbolized protection, so it’s only natural that Alec, a born protector, would have gotten him that one. Magnus felt his eyes get a little misty at the sheer thoughtfulness of this gift.

“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus said thoughtfully. “You continue to surprise me.” Alec had surprised him many times in the past few weeks. First it was when he kissed him at his own wedding to another person, the second was when he decided to give _them_ , their relationship, a chance, and the third was just then, when he gave Magnus a thoughtful gift without hesitation. And without reason, as no one had told him to do it. He bought it with his own money. He did it just because he wanted to, and that is what surprised Magnus most of all. Magnus then moved closer to Alec to cup his hands around Alec’s neck, wanting so badly to kiss him at that moment, to show him how thankful he was.

“In good ways, I hope,” Alec said. He seemed to have the same idea Magnus had because he, too, leaned in closer towards him to place his own hands on Magnus’ waist.

Then, just as they were about to touch lips, they heard a burst of obnoxious giggling coming from the guest bedroom. They pulled away from each other, and sighed in unison.

Damn it! Every since Alec’s Parabatai, Jace, moved in, Magnus hadn't been able to have any peace in his own home. He really hoped that this was a temporary arrangement because Blondie was really starting to get on his nerves, and he had only been there for about a week.

Him and Alec decided to take this outside where they could enjoy the fresh air and some time to themselves without interruption.

 

* * *

 

  
Before getting comfortable on the balcony, Magnus brought out a bottle of their favorite wine. He found out that while Alec was still getting used to hard liquor, he enjoyed a good glass of wine. So he thought that that would be a good choice to help wind down.

He placed the bottle and glasses on the little table next to the couch, and the moment he sat down, Alec pulled him in gently for a kiss. Something that had impressed Magnus since their first kiss is that even though Alec had next to no dating experience, he was a pretty damn good kisser. Whenever Alec kissed him, he was always swept up in a whirlwind of sensations, and his feelings for Alec grew more intense each time.

It was, to say the least, magical.

When Alec pulled away, Magnus couldn't help the breathy laugh that bubbled up in his chest.

“What was that for?” He asked, his smile big and his face warm.

“No reason, it’s just…” Alec trailed off, and stared into Magnus’ eyes with his own. “You just look really beautiful tonight,” he said, his hazel eyes unwavering.

Woah.

Alec’s complements had started to become bolder, and it left Magnus speechless. He was used to people complimenting his looks, but he could tell that Alec wanted him to know that he meant it.

“I guess that whole traveling-all-day disheveled look works for me, huh?” Magnus said jokingly. He then pulled Alec in for another kiss. “That’s for the omamori,” he said. “It was very kind of you. I just feel bad because I didn't get you anything like that.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You taking me on that amazing trip was enough for me. I’m just glad you liked it. I saw you looking at them at that temple, so…” He shrugged.

“Well, it’s beautiful; thank you,” Magnus said softly, and leaned his head against Alec’s arm that was resting on the back of the couch.

Alec took Magnus’ hand is his, and he kissed Magnus on the cheek, then on the lips.

After a few moments of just relaxing and soft kissing, Alec’s phone buzzed in his pocket, causing them to have to pull away. Magnus swore to himself. _Couldn't they have just one peaceful night at home without being interrupted?_

“Damn it,” Alec exclaimed, as he stared down at his phone. “I have to go,” he said, which Magnus assumed meant that he had to go to the Institute.

Magnus sighed. It was only a matter of time before Alec had to be called back to the Institute, so he guessed now was the time. There went their romantic evening...

“Go do your job, Shadowhunter,” he said hesitantly, not wanting Alec to go so soon. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Alec stroked the back of Magnus’ hand with his thumb, then got up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Alec asked.

“Of course,” Magnus said, and flashed him a warm smile.

Alec returned the smile, then went back into the apartment to grab his things before leaving.

Magnus pulled the omamori out of his pocket, and stroked the silky fabric with the pads of his fingers. He was going to cherish this gift for as long as he lived, and Alexander too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and criticisms are always welcome.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as @mattdaddorkio, and @gracietheshadowwriter where you can send prompts. I'm also on Twitter as @gracie_reader0. 
> 
> Come on by, and talk to me about Shadowhunters and Malec!


	3. Time 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place before, during, and after the infamous scene in 2x10c

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop, chapter 3! Sorry that it took a billion years to update this, but this chapter was the Bane of my existence (ha! See what I did there??).

“C’mon, sweet pea, you’ll be safe here,” Magnus said, as he guided Madzie along towards the apartment building. Madzie was in danger around Iris Rouse, so he has to take her somewhere where he knew she would be safe. It didn't take him long to decide to bring her to Catarina Loss’s place; Catarina was a good friend of his, and he knew that Madzie would be safe in her care.

“Magnus, I’m scared,” Madzie said with a shaky voice, her tiny hand clutched onto his.

Magnus knelt down beside her. “I know you are, Madzie, but the Institute is not a safe place for you,” he said. “A very good friend of mine lives here; she’s a Warlock just like you and me. I promise that you’ll be safe here.”

“Are you gonna stop the bad man?” She asked. Magnus could tell she was referring to Valentine.

“I’ll do my very best, my dear,” he said, not wanting to totally lie to the child.

“And the man with the mark on his neck? Is he gonna help you?”

Magnus smiled at that description of Alec. He was at the Institute that very moment fighting for the Soul Sword and for the Downworld. He knew he had to get there to help, but he had to help get this young Warlock to safety first.

“He sure is. You don't have to worry about that, I promise.”

The small smile Madzie gave him broke his heart. A child that young shouldn't have to experience the horrors that she did, but that was sadly the way of the Shadow World. There really was no way to escape it, even at a young age. Magnus had plenty of experience in the field.

“Let’s get going, Madzie. She's waiting for us,” he said. He took Madzie’s hand, and walked through the entrance to the building.

After climbing a few flights of stairs, they made it to Catarina’s place. Magnus knocked on the door, and a very sleepy, yet very alert, looking Catarina answered the door.

“Oh, Magnus, thank God! I was beginning to get worried,” Catarina said.

“I know, I thought we were never going to get here,” he said, feeling exhausted himself. He guided Madzie into the apartment from the hallway. “This is Catarina, Madzie. She’s gonna watch over you.”

“It’s nice to meet you, sweetheart,” Catarina said, and Madzie smiled. “Why don't you go put your things on the couch? I just need to talk to Magnus about something,” she said. Madzie walked silently towards the couch, then Magnus took Catarina aside.

“Is everything okay?” He asked her.

Catarina had an uneasy expression on her face. “To be honest, I'm not so sure. Not long before you arrived I got word that Valentine was able to activate the Soul Sword, and unleashed a Downworlder massacre.”

Magnus’ stomach dropped. “What?” He whispered, not able to make his voice any louder.

Catarina lowered her head. “There was luckily a good amount of them who weren't in the radius of the blast, but there was still also a good amount of them who were slaughtered.”

“Oh my God…” Magnus said to himself.

“Here's another thing you're gonna want to hear. One of the Warlocks who wasn't affected contacted me, and told me that everyone was worried because you were nowhere to be found. Your Shadowhunter was also running around looking for you.”

His heart stopped, and he swore under his breath. Alec was probably worried out of his mind. The last time they spoke wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows, and not long after they had to deal with Valentine and the Soul Sword. So they didn't even get the chance to meet up again since then.

He had to get to the Institute.

“Cat, I’m so sorry, but I have to go,” he said hastily.

“Now?” She replied. “But you just got here.”

“Yes. I have to get to the Institute, but I’m almost completely drained of magic, and there's not enough time to recharge myself. So I’ll have to get there the mundane way, which could take some time.”

“Okay, well, be careful out there.”

“I will,” he replied, then he went out the door without another word.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Magnus got to the Institute, it was already well past dawn. He must have left Catarina’s later than he thought. He ran up the path that led to the Institute’s courtyard, and he saw groups of Shadowhunters rushing in and out of the Institute.

Magnus was about to pull out his phone to call Alec, when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alec running frantically down the steps, and look around the courtyard with a panicked look on his face. His heart started beating faster in his chest when he saw him, and he ran up the rest of the path to get to him. When he got close enough to him, he grabbed his arm, and when Alec turned around to see him, he pulled Magnus into the tightest hug imaginable. Magnus hugged him back, and let the warmth from his presence surround him.

Alec eventually pulled away, but kept his hand wrapped around Magnus’ arm comfortingly.

“Magnus, I thought-” Alec said, before Magnus cut him off.

“I found Madzie, I got her out just in time. I took her to Catarina’s. She’s safe,” Magnus said, and Alec looked relieved. Alec then lifted his head to meet Magnus’ eyes, and looked at him with his own beautiful, hazel ones, those same eyes that made Magnus smitten since the moment they met.

“Look…” Alec started. Magnus noticed how heavily Alec was breathing, and placed his own hand on Alec’s arm.

“On every mission I've ever been on, I've never felt that type of fear. Ever. Not knowing if you were alive or dead, I- I was terrified.”

It all came crashing down on Magnus just then of just how real this was. Hundreds of innocent Downworlders were massacred at the hands of Valentine, and if Magnus hadn't left when he did, he, and even little Madzie, would be dead right now. If things were reversed, Magnus would be just as panicked right now as Alec. What a terrifying thought…

 _Oh God_ , Magnus thought to himself, _what if it was me in the line of the Soul Sword?_

“So was I,” Magnus replied. And it was the truth.

“Magnus, I- I love you,” Alec blurted out.

Magnus felt his breath catch in his chest.

Alec loved him? The same way Magnus loved him. Did he realize it the same time Magnus did, or did he realize later on? Ever since that night when Alec shared his strength with him to heal Luke, he's felt deep connection. It wasn't just his attraction to his appearance, which he admits is what drew him in, but it was also something much deeper. These deep feelings that had been buried inside him. Who would have thought that those feelings would turn into love? And with a Shadowhunter? This Shadowhunter had helped him in more ways than he’ll ever know.

It had been a few moments since Alec had declared his love, and he was now looking at Magnus so a hopefully look in his eyes. Damn, how long had he been standing there with his mouth gaping like a fish. Alec was most definitely waiting for an answer.

“I love you too,” he replied, pouring as much love into those words as his heart could muster.

Alec looked at him with a combination of admiration, wonder, and, most importantly, love. No one had looked at Magnus like that in a long time. Alec grabbed Magnus’ shoulder, and pulled him in for a bruising kiss, and Magnus kissed back just as fiercely, running his hands up Alec’s back and through his hair. After they broke their kiss, Alec buried himself in Magnus’ arms once again, and Magnus couldn't get enough of the feel of him.

After a few moments, Magnus decided to break the peaceful silence.

“Alexander,” he said softly. “I need to ask you something.”

Alec pulled away, and took Magnus’ hands. “Sure, anything.”

“How-” Magnus started, deciding how to phrase his words. “How bad was it?” He asked.

Alec seemed to know what he was referring to, and he casted his eyes down.

“It was horrible,” he whispered. “It all happened so fast. And their screams, by the Angel, it was something out of a nightmare.”

Magnus felt himself start to tremble. “I can't believe this…” Magnus said, more to himself than to Alec.

“I’m so sorry that this happened, Magnus. I know that a lot of the Warlocks in there were your friends,” Alec said, bringing Magnus’ hands to his mouth to kiss his knuckles.

“They were more than just my friends, they were like family.”

“I know,” Alec said, rub in his thumbs across the backs of Magnus’ hands. “Why don't we head back home? I'm pretty sure we’ve both been awake for over twenty-four hours, and some sleep will do us some good.”

“”I like the sound of that,” Magnus replied, still feeling a bit heavy with emotions, both good and bad ones.

They headed back to Magnus’ place, and got a well deserved sleep. Tomorrow would hold a great deal of mourning and sorrow, but right now they both had their peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! This chapter definitely wasn't my best, but like I said: the Bane of my existence.
> 
> Do you all have any requests for fics to write after this? I have my YouTuber AU, but I want some other things to do too. If you do, send them of Tumblr, or comment them here.


	4. Time 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in the scene where Magnus tells Alec about his past (ep 2x15)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 4!!
> 
> Again, I know it's another late chapter, but I think I'm starting to get my writing mojo back. 
> 
> This chapter is heavy on the angst you guys!
> 
> Also, I had to take some creative liberty on some of the lines at the end because I couldn't remember a lot of the lines spoken in that scene, and there is no video that exists of the entire scene, so I had to make some stuff up, lol.

For Magnus to say that the last few days were the worst would be an understatement.

It started when the greater demon Azazel decided to make an appearance out of nowhere, and switched his and Valentine Morgenstern’s bodies. That had to have been one of the worst experiences of his life. The agony rune that they used on him brought his worst memories and nightmares to the surface, and it forced him to suffer through them all over again.

The memories of seeing his mother dead right in front of him, and of him killing his step-father.

He’s suppressed these memories for so long that they were having a huge impact on his daily life, especially his personal life with Alec. He knew that Alec felt guilty about not believing him when he told him that he was trapped in Valentine’s body, but Magnus also knew that letting Alec put the blame on himself wouldn't help fix this. He’ll never forget the pain he felt in his heart when his dear Alexander looked at him with hate and confusion in his eyes, and locked him in that cell. Still, Magnus wouldn't have known what to do if he were in Alec’s position either. Someone with the face of your enemy announcing that he was actually your boyfriend trapped inside your enemy’s body? That's not an easy thing to believe.

He wished he could just erase that day from his mind.

Magnus had been getting less and less sleep, and Alec was starting to suspect that something was wrong. He guessed he could only say the words “I’m fine” with a fake smile plastered to his face so many times before everyone got suspicious.

He had been becoming less good at hiding his feelings as time went on, and the nightmares and flashbacks continued. Even this morning when he woke up at the crack of dawn, for the fourth morning in a row, Alec could see right through his façade. Magnus didn't even know why he was even still pretending at this point. One of the things he loved about Alec was how he could tell exactly what Magnus was feeling, even if Magnus didn't exactly know himself, though sometimes he wished that he would just push a little harder. He didn't know how long he could continue holding it all in.

He decided to go and get ready for the day, and quit wallowing in his misery; it was already late in the morning, and Alec had left over an hour ago. Besides, trying to stop an impending war between the Shadowhunters and the Downworlders would serve as a distraction from his own internal demons, as morbid as it sounded.

 

* * *

 

“I just don't know how long I can keep lying to him about this, Cat,” Magnus said, feeling nothing but distressed.

He was talking with Catarina on the phone, and he was telling her about his current situation. He was sitting on his sofa with a drink in hand, and he desperately needed someone to talk to.

 _Magnus, anyone with eyes can see how much Alec loves you_ , Catarina said over the phone. _If you’re worried that he’s going to judge you or hate you, then there's no need to worry_.

“Yeah, but what if I tell him, and he finally sees how much of a monster I am?” He asks. He hated that he felt that way, but sometimes it just couldn't be helped. He's lived with so many insecurities and anxieties his whole life, so sometimes it took a little more convincing than normal to snap him out of it.

_If he does, you know I’d be the first one to smack some sense into him, but I know that’s that's not gonna happen. And you are not a monster; you need to stop saying these things about yourself._

Magnus let out a deep sigh. “I’m afraid that's easier said than done,” he said, resting his cheek on his hand.

He could hear some more voices on the other end of the line. Catarina let out a curse.

_I’m sorry, Magnus, but I have to get going. Please let me know how it goes tonight; you know I worry about you._

“Of course, I'll keep you posted. You take care of yourself as well. You're not the only one who worries.”

Catarina hung up with an exasperated “bye”, and then…

Then he was alone again.

He got up to make himself a new drink, and when he sat back down, his eyes drifted towards his mother’s dagger displayed on the shelf. Magnus always felt a deep sorrow when he looked at it, but after everything that had happened, it only brought back the crippling guilt that he felt all those centuries ago.

He felt his head start to get fuzzy, and suddenly he was transported back over 400 years. He saw himself as an innocent child, and he saw himself finding his mother dead in her room, a dagger through her heart.

... _Magnus_?...

He saw his step-father walk into the room, the angriest he’s ever seen him. He told Magnus that it was all his fault, that him being born the way he was caused his mother to kill herself.

... _Magnus_?...

Magnus saw himself fill with rage, and his cat eyes lose their glamour. His fists start pulsing with magic, and he raises his hand up. Magnus feels his own heart rate pick up, knowing what was coming next. Why did…

“Magnus!”

Magnus was shaken from his thoughts by a familiar voice. He looks up, and he finds Alec standing there with a concerned expression on his face.

“Oh, hello!” Magnus exclaimed, throwing his fake smile on, and fake cheery voice. “I was just about to make myself a drink, do you want one?” He asked, standing up from his place on the sofa. There was no way he was fooling Alec with this…

“No. I came to see if you needed help transporting Valentine to Idris,” Alec said, suspicion clear in his voice.

“No, no, I think I have it under control,” he said, turning towards his minibar to hide the fact that he was shaking.

Alec must have noticed because he said, “I love you, and I know something's wrong. So, whatever it is, I'm here for you.

Magnus felt himself stiffen at those words. “I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine,” he said, throwing Alec another fake smile.

“No, you're not, and I'm not leaving until you talk to me,” Alec said, determined.

Magnus deflated. _There's no getting out of it now,_ he thought to himself. _What have I got to loose?_

He placed his drink down on the minibar, turned towards Alec, and took a deep breath. “When I was tortured in Valentine’s body, that agony rune...it made me relive my worst memory,” he started. He looked up at Alec, and saw that he was staring at him intently, indicating that it was okay to go on. “And now, whenever I close my eyes, I can't get it out of my head!” He exclaimed, sinking down into his armchair.

“Hey,” Alec said, kneeling down. “What is it?” He took Magnus’ hands, holding them firmly in his own. That gave Magnus the courage to continue.

“Do you remember when I told you how I found my mother dead by her own hand?” Alec nodded. “My step-father found me shortly after. He screamed at me, he called me an abomination.” He heard Alec let out a soft “what?” at that. Magnus felt his eyes begin to burn with tears. He shrugged. “He was right. He blamed me for my mother’s suicide, and he said that she hated herself for giving birth to a monster.” The tears began to fall freely at that point, and Magnus didn't even try to hold them back. “So I lashed out, with all the magic I had.” He had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. He’d never told this much to anyone except for Catarina and Ragnor, and he felt like we was gonna pass out. “I burned him, Alexander. Right where he stood!” He sobbed out. I murdered my step-father.”

Alec shook his head at that. “You were just a boy. You weren't in control of your powers.”

“Yes, actually, I was. I never wanted you to see this...terrible, ugly side of me. Of my past,” he finished, wiping the tears from his face.

There it was.

All out in the open. He felt like he ran a marathon.

“Hey,” Alec said a few moments later, looking at Magnus’ face.

 _Oh, God_ , Magnus thought, dreading what was to come, _what is he going to say?_

Alec reached out to cup the back of Magnus’ neck, and he stared directly into Magnus’ eyes.

“There is _nothing_ ugly about you,” he said, saying it like those words meant the world to him.

Magnus felt his body fill with relief, and he gave Alec a weak smile. It was teary one, but it was completely genuine. Alec slid his hands down Magnus’ back, and pressed him against his body for a hug, his arms wrapped tightly around. So overcome with emotion, Magnus let the dam break, and he sobbed into Alec’s shoulder for a few minutes.

“I love you, Magnus,” Alec said softly into his ear. Magnus only clutched onto Alec tighter at that, unable to find it in him to speak at that moment.

After Magnus felt like he cried enough to last him ten years, he slightly pulled away from Alec’s embrace.

“Thank you, Alexander,” he said, still a little shaky. “I know look like a mess right now, but-”

“You stop right there. You don't look like a mess, you look beautiful,” Alec said.

Magnus chuckled. “Even with my face covered in tears and snot?”

“Even then,” Alec said, and leaned over to kiss Magnus’ tear-stained cheek. “C’mere,” he said, holding out his hand to Magnus.

He took it, and Alec stood up, bringing Magnus with him.

“Where are we going?” Magnus asked.

“We’re going to go for a walk before we have to go to the Institute. Fresh air will do you some good, trust me,” Alec responded.

Magnus smiled, and let Alec pull him out the door. As broken as he felt, he was glad that Alec pushed him to talk about this. He felt lighter, in a way. His depression and insecurities from his past were far from over, but he knew that Alec cared enough to support him when he needed him.

And Magnus loved him for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! I don't write angst that often, so did you guys think it was ok??

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Make sure you leave a comment bellow, and all comments and constructive criticisms are welcome.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr on @mattdaddorkio, and @gracietheshadowwriter where you can send prompts. I've also become more active on Twitter because of the campaign, so if you want to find me on there, I'm @gracie_reader0
> 
> Let's save our show!


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